


Crash Land

by ThatClumsyGirl



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Songfic, just one tiny reference really, no real plot, tagged it just to be save
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8807491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatClumsyGirl/pseuds/ThatClumsyGirl
Summary: A songfic from Danny's POV, set from pre-series up to episode 1.03Song: Crash Land by Twin Atlantic





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there people!  
> I recently re-watched H5O and when I heard this song ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mqC1E_-yjc or this beautiful acoustic version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ4utZYBsWU ) it just fit perfectly with what I imagine Danny's headspace at the beginning to be like. I had to put it into words and after weeks of struggling with the last paragraphs and social anxiety about posting this, here it finally is.  
> Since English isn't my first language, if you find any mistakes, feel free to point them out. (Unlike 95% of the internet, I won't get mad about that ;D )  
> So, I hope someone likes this. 3-2-1-action...

> Crash land  
>  Still I can't find you,  
>  Just as things were looking up  
>  We're stuck

Danny still can't believe this is where he finds himself: divorced, lonely and drunk. Confined to an island he hates. It's all just sun and beaches and pineapples and these people probably spend Christmas in their swimwear, tanning and sipping cocktails (which will contain the only ice present). Hawaii of all places! More than one step further away from home than he could've ever imagined living. If you can call this “living”.

Besides Grace, the only thing he has here is his job … (Which he loves, but still -) And it's not exactly made easier by the locals who want him here just about as much as he wants to _be_ here. They call him “haole” and, for heaven's sake, he had to google what that means.

> Don't Panic!  
>  Because I'm left without food.  
>  Just as things were heating up  
>  I should have told you that you're good enough

And then Rachel. She seems so close, like Danny could just reach out, but at the same time she's about as far away as Hawaii is from Jersey. Danny is pretty convinced that there's no way they can make up and be together again, not after everything that's been said and done. (Also, there's the small matter of Stan Edwards and her being married to him) And yet, some days he gets up and has hope. Some days they actually talk to each other without yelling, share these little moments that remind him of why he fell in love with this woman. Sometimes, when they're all together, Grace and Rachel and Danny, and they laugh and have a good time – Danny could swear that, for a fraction of a second, the universe bends and none of the shit ever went down.

> Because I'm stuck here on this island  
>  And I've lost her all over again  
>  Nothing gets better than memories  
>  When all you have are memories for friends

Danny has always been somewhere between angry and anxious. For as long as he can remember, his life has always revolved around all the miserable things that were happening, had happened or were bound to happen. But he has never been alone. Completely and utterly alone.

His parents had been there, his sisters and his brother. And his friends. Now, separated by five time-zones, 2,547 miles of Pacific Ocean and 2,438 miles of United States, speaking to any of them once a week is “often”. And of course he puts on a brave face when he does. The same one he puts on for Grace (She's just a sweet little kid, she's been through enough already. Danny would never ever burden her with his misery. Or at least he tries not to …) Hell, he even puts it on for Rachel, so she doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing what she puts him through. That's the least he can do to preserve what's left of his dignity.

> And I went searching when the lights went out  
>  And I went searching when my flight went down

Really, the only thing Danny wants to do is scream. To scream at the universe: “I'm right here! I'm alone and invisible! Do something about it!” Of course that wouldn't help. The universe has nothing to do with it (if he's being honest with himself). This, or at least most of this, is entirely on him and him alone. He could have tried harder to save his marriage. Could have tried harder to get along with Rachel afterwards. Could definitely try harder to be less miserable in Hawaii.

> 'Cause I made a rope, can I throw it out to you?  
>  You drag me back home, I deserve to be rescued  
>  But still I have trouble with most days and nights  
>  But still I have trouble with living my life outside

Danny's not bullshitting himself. He knows that he'll never get his life back, not entirely. And knowing that, it's even harder to get out of bed every morning. Since all he has is his work, he just barely ever stops working. And when he does, he comes home to his run-down apartment and a bottle of Whiskey. Goes back to work a few hours later, hungover or not, sleep or not … And he doesn't even really sleep anymore. His head just fires away with the self-loathing and never giving him a fucking break.The days just drag on, each one longer than the last. There is no perspective, no happy ending. Just gloom and loneliness, far away from everything he knows and loves.

Really, Grace is the only spark in this darkness and sometimes she makes Danny forget it all, but he doesn't see her nearly often enough and every time he drops her off at Rachel's, his heart breaks a little more. Then he goes back to his apartment, his Whiskey and his work. Over and over again …

> Crash land  
>  Still I can't find you,  
>  Just as things were looking up  
>  We're fucked

It can't go on like this. This is not a life. Danny gets angrier, sadder and more tired every day. Of course it's all kind of worth it, for Grace, but is this really the Danno she deserves? Shouldn't he try to be his better self, for her as well as for him? He should. Something needs to change and it needs to change now! He can't go on wallowing in his gloom, he needs to get off his ass and do something. Needs to let go of the past and finally start building a future. Or else he's going to be an old man, still reminiscing about a failed marriage and wondering where the last thirty-five years have gone, while he drinks himself to sleep in a shabby shoebox apartment, watching the shadows of the rats dance on the walls. No. That's not part of any of his life-plans and has never been. Danny won't let that happen.

But that's easier said than done. Danny slips back into his routine and his miserable mindset two days after that resolution and it's just another day at the office, and another, and another …

> Don't Panic!  
>  'Cause there's nothing here to fear  
>  Just don't lose imagination or luck

And that's just about where Steven J. McGarrett comes in, all infuriating SEAL-superpowers, determination and … that smile. Danny doesn't know what to make of him, he really doesn't. There's that “Get the mission done at all costs”-attitude Danny has always despised. It's a soldier thing. Like they're all subconsciously indoctrinated with a latent death-wish. Plus, Steve's absolutely lethal and constantly on the verge of flying off the fucking handle.

But otherwise, he just has the biggest, most loving heart ever. Steve could probably disembowel a guy with his fingers in one of his frenzies, then turn around and rescue a stray kitten with the same hand. He is a hard and tough ninja-assassin and doesn't seem to have any real emotions beside anger and then the guy cries and … fuck. It's not logical and it's driving Danny nuts.

> Because I'm stuck here on this island  
>  And I've lost her all over again  
>  Nothing gets better than memories  
>  When all you have are memories for friends

Steve hits Danny like a tropical storm, pulls him away from the comforts of his dead-end life and shakes him awake again. At least for most of the day, he has to let go of the past because so much is happening in the present and he can't afford to be distracted. You really can't be when you're getting fucking shot at half of the time and have to prevent your borderline insane partner from shooting at people the other half (not that Danny ever succeeds at that). Who'd have thought that this would finally make him feel alive again …

> And I went searching when the lights went out  
>  And I went searching when my flight went down

Of course it's not just Steve, really. It's Chin and Kono as well. It's so easy to be with them, to trust them, although they have McGarrett's sense of self-preservation. Chin is just that sort of reliable, calm dude with a shotgun you'd want watching your back. And Kono is a ray of sunshine and obviously a _major_ badass in the making. They're trouble-magnets, all of them, and his feelings for them smack Danny in the chest and nearly send him tumbling over backwards. And a little part of him is massively creeped out by how quickly they all managed to get under his skin.

Maybe he is overcompensating for the loneliness of the past months? Maybe he is so afraid of being left behind, he gives his heart to the first best persons who will have it? And maybe he should just stop questioning a good thing.

> 'Cause I made a rope, can I throw it out to you?  
>  You drag me back home, I deserve to be rescued  
>  But still I have trouble with most days and nights  
>  But still I have trouble with living my life outside

After an unreasonably short time, these people become his family. “Ohana” they call it around here. And Danny still can't believe this is where he finds himself: drifting in and out of live-threatening situations, but feeling secure at the same time. Putting his life into the hands of people who, by the standards of society, are a bunch of trigger-happy misfits. Assigned to a task-force meant to chase the worst criminals that dare show their faces on these islands. The work Danny does and loves to do has never felt so important.

It's like the universe heard his call and asked him with a mischievous grin: “Oh, you wanna know what's still in store for you?”, and Danny went: “Yeah, hit me!”, and the universe face-palmed and said: “Here you go then, Williams, chew on that” and delivered him to these three people.

When Rachel starts again with the whole visitation mess after the football-shooting, he is devastated, of course he is. And he is scared that he'll finally lose Grace for good, but not as scared as he would've been a few weeks ago. Right now, anger prevails. Anger about how Rachel just doesn't get it. Hell, if it wasn't for this task-force, at this point he'd probably have swapped his detective badge for a nice cosy desk-job somewhere in the HPD archives to appease her – and sneaked into the evidence locker in ten years' time and shot himself in the head with one of their guns. But, thanks to Steve and his (unrequested, dammit!) pulling some strings, this is resolved for now.

Something Steve says afterwards really hits him: „Maybe you're not as alone around here as you think, Danno“ Yeah, maybe not.


End file.
